Eh Sayers Episode 36 - Out of the Coffin and Onto the Mic

Transcript

SFX: Eerie ambience. Conference room sounds. Max gets settled at the microphone.

Max: Hello and welcome to a very special spooky edition of Eh Sayers. Let's call it: Spooky Stats. I'm your host, Max Zimmerman.

Now, bear with me here as I get set up. I stayed late at the office today and bumped into...well, believe it or not...a vampire.

Who goes by the name of…sorry, I missed it…

Vlad: MY NAME is Count Vladimir Batulescu!

But the vampire community calls me...

SFX: Ominous sting.

Vlad: ...Vlad.

Max: Vlad. OK. Nice to meet you.

Vlad: Mortal Max...what kingdom is this?

Max: Canada!

Vlad: Never heard of it.

Max: Oh. Well, that's likely because we only became a country in 1867.

Vlad: Ahhh. New construction. Very well.

I have been drifting away in coffins and flying aimlessly for 400 years. Tell me, Mortal Max...how many potential vampires—I mean, humans—dwell here?

Max: According to our population estimates, just over 41 million!

But hold tight, because the first population counts from the 2026 Census are scheduled for release on February 10, 2027.

Vlad: Scrumptious. A buffet of sorts.

Er...I mean...exciting.

Mortal Max, you can trust me. Take off that garlic necklace.

Max: Sorry. Absolutely not. We just met.

Let's see how the interview goes.

Vlad: Very well.

In any event, my beloved Gertrude and I must celebrate our 400-year Vampiversary!

But...where can I find her?

Max: Four hundred years...? Whoa.

As for where she is, it's hard to say. But we do have a few places in Canada where she might dwell, purely based on their names.

Bloodvein, Manitoba...

Coffin Island, Nova Scotia...

Ghost Lake, Alberta...

And a place called Dead Man's Flats, Manitoba.

Vlad: Finally. Some normal-sounding places.

They sound like beautiful destinations that make my fangs salivate.

Max: Funny enough, we actually have statistics on couples living apart...

Although 400 years might be slightly outside the reference period.

Vlad: Zat is because zey are not as strong as Gertrude and I.

Max: Yes. That's definitely why.

Vlad: Without my beloved Gertrude, I have been...terribly lonely.

Max: You're not alone there. A few years ago, Statistics Canada found that more than 1 in 10 Canadians reported always or often feeling lonely.

Vlad: One in four?!

That is a lot of lonely mortals!

But, Mortal Max...have they been alone for 400 YEARS?!

Max: Right.

So...you may be an outlier.

Vlad: Next question.

How many humans are awake right now?

Out of curiosity.

I am asking for...another vampire.

Max: Uh-huh.

Well, let me check the data...

SFX: Keyboard typing.

Max: It's around 9 p.m. now, so...

OK. Got it.

By 9 p.m., about one in ten Canadians are already asleep.

By 10, almost a third.

And by 11, about three in five Canadians are out for the night.

Vlad: Excellent.

Max: Anyway...

Let's get back to Gertrude.

I hate to ask, but...do you think she's...moved on?

Vlad: Impossible! Only a stake to the heart can harm my dear Gertrude.

Max: Ah. Got it.

I was just asking because I have some mortality data here about Canadians, if you'll humour me.

Vlad: You are not funny.

But continue.

Max: OK. So, a stake through the heart is a little different than heart disease...which accounts for 18% of Canadians...accidents account for just over 6%...

Vlad: Did you say...accidents?

Max: Yep.

Vlad: Interesting.

Vlad: Garlic?

Max: No.

Vlad: wood stakes?

Max: Actually, fun fact, Vlad. Canada produced 47,895,000 cubic metres of softwood lumber in 2024.

Vlad: FIFTY MILLION?! That's an alarming number of wooden stakes...

Max: Well, most of it goes toward building homes.

Vlad: Canadians build their HOMES out of vampire-killing weapons?!

Max: We generally call it lumber.

Vlad: You call it lumber. I call it an arsenal!

Vlad: What about...sunlight?

Max: Vlad, these are accidents involving mortals—I mean, HUMANS—not vampires.

Max: Wait a second...

You think Gertrude might be mortal now?

Maybe she took a job as a funeral director...or an embalmer?

Maybe she's one of them.

Vlad: Mortals...count dead mortals?

Max: Precisely!

We have data on everything!

Vlad: No...but maybe?

Now I am confused.

Those occupations do seem perfect for Gertrude.

Perhaps she has become mortal again.

A tragic turn of events, this.

Max: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

I have a hunch I might know where she lives.

Does Gertrude generally wake up before you every...400 years?

Vlad: Oh yes, she was always an early riser. Usually wakes up every 300 years, about 100 years before me.

Max: Got it.

OK...let's see where Gertrude might be hiding.

SFX: Keyboard typing.

Max: Hmm...

Wait a second.

I have a hunch it might be British Columbia.

And probably not Ontario or Quebec. They're the largest garlic-growing provinces according to our data.

Basically...your worst nightmare.

But B.C.? There might be something there.

From 2014 to 2023, garlic production in British Columbia fell by 46.1%.

Vlad: Forty-six percent?!

That's great news!

Max: Yep.

Less garlic. More mountains.

Very vampire-friendly real estate.

Vlad: Gertrude always did love zee West Coast.

Max: OK, Vlad...there might actually be something here.

According to Statistics Canada's quality-of-life data, about 44.8% of British Columbians rated their life satisfaction an 8, 9 or 10 out of 10.

Vlad: Of course they did!

Mountains! Forests! Rain! Clouds! Less garlic!

British Columbia is basically a vampire wellness retreat!

Max: I should mention...the survey does not include vampires.

Vlad: Typical.

Max: But you really think Gertrude would be happy there?

Vlad: Happy?!

Mortal Max, think about it!

All those cloudy days. She could leave the house before sunset without bursting into flames!

Max: I guess that's convenient.

Vlad: And the mountains!

Gertrude always dreamed of a little place overlooking the valley.

Max: A cottage?

Vlad: Castle, actually.

Vaulted ceilings. Open-concept dungeon. Coffin nook.

You know...very tasteful.

Max: Right...right...

Vlad: And the forests!

She loves the outdoors.

Max: Hmm...

Vlad: Night hiking. Bats. Emerging mysteriously from the fog. Staring ominously from behind trees.

You know...

Nature stuff.

Max: Sounds...relaxing.

Vlad: Maybe she has changed, Mortal Max.

Maybe she is living the West Coast lifestyle now.

Yoga. Farmers' markets. Kombucha.

Max: Vampires drink kombucha?

Vlad: No.

But it looks enough like blood that we feel included.

Max: OK. So let me get this straight.

Your theory is: less garlic, more clouds, mountains, forests, and a pretty good quality of life.

Y'know...there's actually a place in B.C. called Devil's Gate.

Vlad: Did you say...DEVIL'S GATE?!

Mortal Max!

She is not missing!

She is waiting for me at those beautiful gates!

Mortal Max! We go!

Max: Vlad, I can't fly.

Or transform into a bat.

Or whatever it is you do.

Vlad: Remove zee garlic.

It will only take a moment. A slight sting. Over in seconds.

And together, with your mortal numbers, we shall find my beloved Gertrude!

Max: Sorry, Vlad. I'm happy as a mortal.

I love my job at StatCan. I have friends and family here.

Vlad: Take off...zee necklace.

Max: No!

Vlad: It is an order!

SFX: Max's phone suddenly rings.

Max: Wait...

No number.

But it says the call is coming from...

Savage Harbour, Prince Edward Island.

No way.

Vlad: Savage Harbour?!

That is precisely the kind of place where she would dwell!

She has been listening!

It is my beloved!

May I speak with her through that box?

Max: Absolutely!

This is an Eh Sayers first, folks.

Can I put it on speaker?

Vlad: Yes!

Speak with her!

Mortals must hear her perfect voice!

Max: OK...

Hello?

Hello...?

SFX: Phone connects.

Gertrude: Vlad?

Is zat you, my love?

Vlad: GERTRUDE!

My love!

I have missed you!

Where are you?!

Gertrude: Prince Edward Island.

Vlad: Prince Edward Island?!

Not Devil's Gate?!

Where in Prince Edward Island?

Gertrude: Near Savage Harbour.

Vlad: Ohhhhh. This is great!

For a moment, I thought you had gone somewhere frightening.

Max: It's actually quite lovely.

Gertrude: I love it here! And the people are wonderful

Vlad, I did some research from StatCan…

Max: Vlad...

I like her…

Gertrude: And did you know around 57% of people on the Island report a strong sense of belonging to their local community?

Zee point is, after 400 years, Vlad...

I wanted somewhere I could belong.

Oh! And Vlad...

The potatoes are sensational!

Prince Edward Island produced about one-fifth of Canada's potatoes in 2024.

Max: I really like her.

Vlad: Gertrude...

You don't eat potatoes.

Gertrude: I do now.

Plus, potatoes have never tried to kill me.

Max: Unlike garlic.

Gertrude: Exactly, Max.

Vlad: How many mortals even live there?!

Max: Well, according to the 2021 Census—

Vlad: MAX!

Max: Fine!

More than 180,000 people now live there.

But the new Census population counts are coming February 10. Plugging that for our Eh Sayer fans!

Vlad: That is a very small buffet. A continental, at best.

Gertrude: VLAD!

Max: Yeah...we don't refer to Canadians as a breakfast.

Gertrude: The point is, Vlad, I'm happy here.

Red soil. Ocean air. Wonderful neighbours.

Acres and acres of potatoes...

You should come.

Vlad: Come...to Prince Edward Island?

Gertrude: Yes, my love.

Come find me by Savage Harbour.

Vlad: Ahhh, Gertrude.

Four hundred years...and you still make me chase you.

I like it!

Gertrude: I know you do.

Vlad: Then it is settled!

I travel east!

Max: Well...

That worked out surprisingly well.

Vlad: Mortal Max...

Max: It's just Max, by the way.

Vlad: Mortal Max.

Thank you.

You have reunited me with my beloved Gertrude.

Max: I mostly just looked up some numbers.

Vlad: Numbers about sleeping Canadians...

Garlic...

Happiness...

Potatoes...

Powerful numbers, Max.

Max: That's kind of our thing.

Gertrude: Thank you, Max.

Without the data, Vlad might never have found me.

Vlad: Yes!

The numbers have shown me the way!

Max: Well...

Technically, you called us.

But yes. Statistics Canada data can tell us a lot about this great country.

Even if you've only just discovered it after 400 years.

Gertrude: Now hurry up, Vlad.

Vlad: Gertrude...

Prepare yourself!

Gertrude: For what?

Vlad: Four hundred years of love and devotion...

And our first trip together to Prince Edward Island!

I shall even try these potatoes of which you speak!

FAREWELL, MORTAL MAX!

SFX: Huge magical POOF. Flapping bat wings. Vlad disappears.

BEAT.

Max: OK...

And there you have it.

Statistics: bringing people together...

Even when they're technically undead.

SFX: Eh Sayers outro/music.

You've been listening to Eh Sayer's. Thank you to our guest Vladimir Batulescu, played by Jessie James McCutcheon. Thanks as well to Gertrude, played by Annik Lepage. If you'd like to learn more spooky check out the StatCan website. You can find this episode wherever you get your podcasts, there you can also find a French version of our show called He-coutez Bien!. If you liked this show, please like, comment and subscribe. And as always, thanks for listening.